Wednesday

Today i finished my second exam of the semester. it was an awful experience. i've never felt like such a failure to my parents and to everybody and to myself. i hate the spanish educational system, and i hate myself for not working harder in spite of my hate for the spanish educational system. i was weeping on the bus back to my barrio from the campus when i started thinking about how incredibly useless and silly it was that i was weeping. and how incredibly ironic.

life will go on in spite of my failures, especially in my lame spanish anthropology classes. there are people weeping all over the world right now, in response to real pain and sadness. there are people every day whose lives are defined by hardships and getting safely through one day. how many times a day do i weep for them?

and how many times a day do i not appreciate what i have now, and where i am?
life is so much bigger than what i'm crying about. i'm crying for myself.
life goes on without myself.

i am still learning. i am learning so much about what it is to be a human being, about different worlds, and about how big life is.

i'll try harder next time. i promise. but maybe i need to look at things from a different point of view.

my english friend John, my Italian friend alberto and i walked to the Templo de Debod again and we studied there. the temple is a bit higher than part of the city, overlooking it as if it were its valley, so it gives us a great view of the western horizon. the sun's outline was so defined and beautiful, and when it hit the horizon, the line dividing the land the the sun was so clear that it seemed like the land cut the sun right in half, no cloudy rays to blur it.
we ended up wadding up a news paper and playing baseball, then cricket, then futbol, then keep-away from me, with it.

i bought plane tickets to italy. i hope i don't fall in love with it. it'd be too much.

if people watch the simpsons, no wonder they have the view that they have of unitedstatesians! we're just helping it along, aren't we? (p.s. i'm bringing that into the english language. it makes more politically correct sense.)(another reason why i love spanish.) oh well.

apparently the Beatles' song that describes my life right now is "With a Little Help From My Friends" and i'm as gangsta as Don Vito Corleone. oh yes.